this is what i would define as a happy life in my own context.

Waking up in the morning with a girl you loved in your arms, kissing her softly without any make-up one. Opening the door to find the loved ones round the house doing their stuffs, healthy & happy. Doing something you like & have passion about for work in the day. Having enough cash in your wallet & numbers in the bank. Having some time off the night to do what you like in leisure. Then crawling into bed at night with the same girl you begin the day with.

I can do this over & over again my whole life. This is what I defined as a happy life. I dont need a landed property or a BMW to signify i’m happy. I dont need to be a millionaire to show that I’m successful. I dont need a miss singapore universe to be my wife. I’m just an average joe & this is more than enough for me seriously.

I have not been bloging for quite sometime. The main reason is i do not have any significant moments that i think is worth sharing all this while. Another reason would be that since I’m using Twitter, I vent my frustrations there instead. Its alot easier to type out 160 characters than a post if i wanna complain or express myself on something.

Ever since i came back from India, life has been bland. Okay, more bitter than bland i admit. I’m kinda like lost in the transition. I’m waiting for ORD of course, which is still in another 4 more months time. But anything in between now till then, I can totally see no dates that can make me a happy man. I’ve no girlfriend. I’m quite sick of irritating every same person over & over again asking “whats your plans today / tonight ? ” My friends are all busy with their lives. No offence but its a good thing. I should be doing the same too but just that i cant.

In short, I’m following the motion everyday without aims. Awaiting the weekends during weekdays & wondering what to do during the weekends. Pathetic. I’ve no solutions for it & i do not know how can i solve this. I only know that life should get better after i ORD. Studying again could be the catalyst for my boring life.

Sometimes I get so sick of chasing skirts cause at the end of the day, I’m just gonna fall face flat and then struggle to pick myself up again. So if you can’t make time for me, dont expect me to make effort for you.

After thinking about it for so many years, after saying it for so many months.. Today I finally did it.

This is a story about two people at a right place but a wrong time. Like none party expected, it started quick and died swiftly. Nevertheless, the times spent together were fun. I appreciate your companionship and I hope it is the same for you. For you even though I had given you nothing but first you had given me lots. Now you have decided to move on and I would not stop you. I am no longer able to understand you anymore. I do not know what you want. But please bear in mind that everything I said the other night was from the bottom of my heart. No games, no lies. Days had been different without you but I believe time will tell. So if there really comes one day which I do not think will; that you decide to come back to the table where i had all-in my stakes, I will be more than willing to hear you out. Till then, let this be a wonderful secret that will be buried deep within our hearts.

n 55!w !

Honestly this trip was not something I had been looking forward to all along. I dreaded going there, especially when going means missing my mom and friends birthdays. I loathed missing events in the cause of national service. Even the first sign was not a good one when my beloved bag strap snapped the moment I checked in into the airport. It was my 18th year old birthday by the way.

The climate, the food and of course the living conditions were nowhere near on par with what I have here. I have no internet connection throughout my stay. I eat with disposable plates and spoons. I drink from bottled mineral water. And I have alot of free time with absolutely nothing to do.

At first i thought it was shit to the max. But in the freetimes, I began to start thinking about things. My life, my future, family. In short what I wanted for myself in life and how can I achieve all those. In the end, I sorted out alot of thoughts which I thought I would never have the chance to really sit down and pause in my current life to ponder about.

I began to appreciate the trip. I read an excellent book, done exercises, learnt about the culture in India and most importantly found what I should be heading down in the next few years to come.

I’ve been to Taj Mahal. I survived the hot afternoons and curry. But if given another chance to go again, I think I would refuse. Once is enough honestly.

Incredible India Log

Day 1. 14/3 MON. Wear pants for nth. Bag spoiled. Long journey to camp. Felt like a survivor. Very unprepared. Lights out 2130.

Day 2. 15/3 TUE. Trying to get used to living conditions. Really boring. First bathe & shit. Ice cream cheap. Aim to spend max 2400. Poker. Lights out 2250. 

Day 3. 16/3 WED. Orientation run. Dreamt about JW. Chat with ppl. Started reading The Game. TV. Difficult running. Lights out 2245. 

Day 4. 17/3 THU. 5km run. Talk cock session with ppl. Called W. Virgin drop of iPhone. Giant lizard. Lights out 2240.

Day 5. 18/3 FRI. Dry run for PR. Arms aching badly. Skin very dry. Lost in poker. Lights out 2240.

Day 6. 19/3 SAT. Walk the ground. Sunburnt. HQ cohesion. Lost in poker. Lights out 2230.

Day 7. 20/3 SUN. Holy festival. PR. Win in poker. Wisdom tooth. Lights out 2230. 
Happy Birthday MaMa!!!

Day 8. 21/3 MON. Fire Plan Missions. Co-ord with Indian Army. Lights out 2245.

Day 9. 22/3 TUE. Basketball game. Twitter-ed. Missed watching Tourist. Lights out 2330. Happy Birthday ZhiLi!!

Day 10. 23/3 WED. Outfield lekpak. Watch Unborn. Finished The Game book. Lights out 2255. 
Happy Birthday Amanda & Char!!

Day 11. 24/3 THU. Dreamt about DZ dress like a player. Cut nails.  Initiated exercise. Watch Unborn & Little Fockers. Lights out 2250.

Day 12. 25/3 FRI. Mortar firing. Diarrhea, 6 times. Headache. Trance. Vandalize. Lights out NIL.

Day 13. 26/3 SAT. Fall out half way of last outfield. See MO. Viral infection. Started eating again. 
Watch shows. Lights out 2230.

Day 14. 27/3 SUN. Online. Pack kit bag. Master FIFA11. Watch Love & the other drug, Hot tub time machine. Lights out 2200.

Day 16. 28/3 MON. Watch Wilder. Poker games. 90% recovery. semi-solid shit. Lights out 2345.

Day 17. 29/3 TUE. Dream about braces & mermaid. Pack kit bag. End of frame. Lights out 2330.

Day 18. 30/3 WED. R&R. 8 hours bus ride. Taj Mahal. Mac. Shopping. Tired. Lights out 0130.

Day 19. 31/3 THU. Airport. Lack of sleep. Left 5000RP. Inbound flight. Home sweet home!!

Reach Singapore 1710. 

– End of log –

This is gonna be the third time. How far things has changed since the previous one? The first one was rewarding. The second one was quite a nightmare honestly but there were certaintly good times as well. How’s the third one gonna be, i’ve no idea. yet.  This time i’ll be going as a leader instead of a follower. However just like the first and second one, i always leave with a heavy heart. Always dreading to leave my home & my loved ones. With the nightmare experience like the second one before and the raging natural disaters, its really hard to be positive. Like the previous ones, i’m always missing out stuffs when things like these happen. When i’m free, no one bothers about me. When i’ve important dates coming up, all hell break loose. 

Anyway, i’ll be back again on 31st March. let’s hope time flies till then.

Not so long ago, in last year or the previous year before that, I remembered that i had one of my goals being “stop complaining so much”. I thought i did rather well in that department. I thought i had already cut down my whinning. Learn to take things in my stride. And be happy with the little things in life. All until something that happened this week taught me otherwise.

On wednesday night i was told that i would be needed to commit 1 day of the weekend in this week & next week. Needless to say i was pissed, why must i be the one to be doing it on back to back weekends. Damn. Ain’t very fair to me since i’m going to be leaving for overseas in another 2 weeks time. This is just like sucking me dry before i go. I was irritated although i dont have very important plans on these days. I just dont like to lose precious weekends like this.

Then after a while of self-complaining, i received a more terrible news. I might be needed to depart early on this sunday. Which is like 4 days away from wednesday. The damage of this news was not on the date being brought forward but rather i would be required to be away for 1 month instead of the original 2 weeks that i was told. I was shocked & my heart went into screen-saver mode.

4 days of preparations to be away for 4 weeks. How can that be possible ? What’s gonna happen to the things that i was going to do or planning to do. At that very moment, i really wished that i could be doing the back to back weekends instead. At least i can still have some weekends leftover.

Then in the next few days to come, i was living under the constant fear of the possibility of being tasked to leave on sunday. At any moment the bomb could be dropped on me. Until today, friday; that i was cleared of this threat. Now i’m officially leaving 2 weeks later. After hearing the news, i felt relieved. I felt delighted, delighted that i was able to do the back to back weekends instead.

How’s this happening to me ? Losing 2 days of weekends yet i’m still happy. Why ? By right i’m supposed to be leaving 2 weeks later. By right i should not be even doing back to back weekends. But yet now i’m thankful for being able to do it.

This is how life teaches us not to take things for granted. Always be contented with what you have, rather than being calculative of what you had lost. Because putting your focus on the stuffs you had lost, you’re always counting the stuffs you lost. Never taking into account the things you’ve gained or already had.

I always thought that i had the capability to look beyond the little obstacles of losing stuffs. The theory of half glass empty or half glass filled. I always knew that the better perspective would be the half glass filled. I knew i should be looking at it with half glass filled but somehow subconsciously my brain is still focused on the half emptied glass. The void to the brim. The gap to perfection.

It was until more is being taken from me then i realized that actually what i had in the first place aint that bad after all. Is this greed ? Is this the way humans are meant to be by being wanting for more ? I don’t know. All I know is that once again i see another flaw in myself that i need to work on. Its funny how such situations can trigger thoughts & emotions to generate harsh but truthful reflections upon oneself.

do you still remember the times when you were young & felt so invincible, so sure being capable of doing anything. as time goes by, you start to have doubts on stuffs on yourself, start to feel that you’re not that incredible as you thought you are anymore. And there are actually people around you who can run faster than you, who can do things better than you.

Then later on you realise the harsh truth that there are certain gaps present in life that cant be close no matter how hard you try or how much you struggle. and eventually you stop trying as hard, stop struggling as much to keep up.  deny it as you may try, you’re not as good as you think you ought to be in the first place.

you are now already distance away from some of your peers. you just stay contented within your own comfort zone. the only area where you feel at ease, at peace because at there things goes in your pace. you try to shut out those better persons or stuffs away from your life because you’ve realise that these are no longer in your league. or rather its you that are out of their league to have direct comparison with.

you work & live within your circle while striving to impress those only within your perimeter. as your circle of life gets smaller & smaller, you hold dear to more of the things left inside. but at the end of the day, in the middle of that circle it is still you yourself.

so who’s the one to be blame for such situation to happen ? is it the reality, the environment or just you yourself ?