This is a personal blog, all details and information are not considered to be accountable and shall not be held responsible. Leave if you feel insulted. Read only if you think you know me..
How much is pride worth ? Why am I doing here ?
These are the questions I’ve been asking myself.
OOC. Commision. Service Term. Injuries. SISPEC. Man.
These are the thoughts in my mind for the past 4 days.
I’ve seem to have taken a bite bigger than what I can chew. Adapting & adjusting are always hard in the first few days probably. But how to when everyone is celebrating the festive season & enjoying. Its going to be a tough 37 weeks ahead.
Must learn to enjoy the little things.
The long awaited block leave seem to come & go like the wind. 10 days of civilian life reminded of how sweet freedom can tastes like before I’m hurled back into reality. What awaits me is 9 months of tough times & also the 3 weeks confinement. While people are celebrating the festive season, I’ll be counting days inside my bunk. Luckily its no longer in the god forsaken island. This time it’s all for pride.
Looking back at what I did in my block leave, it actually aint that bad after all. I got to go for other people’s POP, play soccer, chill with my friends, catch up with friends, go club, play mahjong, play cards like before enlistment. I even went to batam with my parents to spend quality time & drive a car there.
But I can really expect shit coming in the next few months. Alot of shit in fact. Weekends to be burn. Muscles to be ache. Mind to be fucked.What I’m feeling now can be refer back to the 9th September post. The same old reluctant & procastinating thoughts inside me. However, as long as I can steer clear of injuries & made it through. I’ll be the first sword holder in my family like what my dad said to me. For that word of him, I’m gonna give it my best.
So the same words goes again. I dont wanna book in. I want to go in NS learn things I never did & come of it a changed & better man instead of wasting the 2 years. I’ll once again take the leap of faith into the deep jungle. Endure & overcoming myself to become a better person.
I hope I dont regret this.
In friendship, I’m not very close to everyone.
In terms on physical, I’m not one of the best.
In skills, sometimes I also blur like a cock.
In leading, I’m not a vocal person in nature.
I never stood out. I was never outstanding. Low profile & leading only when tasked to. My PC dont know about me I guess. When he spoke about OCS to the top 5 guys in the platoon, I wasn’t one of them. When he wrote testimony for them regarding OCS, I obviously don’t have.
I had my heart set on SISPEC way before my POP. I knew my standards were not there. My leadership qualities are also not excellent. Even the quiz I did on Facebook said I would be a 3rd SGT. I still thought about going back to Tekong as a SGT. Today I got my posting. OCS (Army wing). I don’t know to be happy or not. Yes, I achieved my goal. But I’m not relieved because I’m starting to worry for what’s next to be coming in the next 9 months.
I always had the feeling to blog about this. Since tonight is a night to emo, here goes.. I’m guy with not too outstanding looks, average height & abit too much fats on the body. Looking in the mirror, I see an unhealthy skin condition, small eyes & no hair on top of my scalp. Who knows I might even be balding at this age. Perhaps I should also check if I had a short penis.
I smoke. I scold alot of vulgarities. I had quite a bad temper. Inside my head, I always have alot of negative thoughts. Inside my heart, I always have gut feelings which I’m too gutless to try. I might be an introvert for real.
I’m always too quiet when the time comes for me to be vocal. I’m always too timid when the time comes for me to be daring. I’m too serious when the times comes for having fun. Sometimes I do think that I bore others.
I think I’m smart but not wise enough. I think I’m good but not good enough. Perhaps these are all the reasons why I cant….
Quality service
is when you are locked out of your NS portal account at 4:48am in the middle of the night, you call the assistance hotline & there’re still operators to pick up & reset the password for you.
I kinda miss..
the dumb things we did to tease to each other.
the boring songs we sang everday everywhere we go.
the mornings when there were people to on the lights to wake me up.
the afternoons when everyone take naps instead of cleaning rifle.
the smoke breaks where we do stupid things just to get to smoke.
the admin time where we rush to bathe before lights out.
the nights where we lie on our beds chatting before dozing off.
the last route march where everyone sings “POP” loudly.
Today’s the day I had my passing out parade from Tekong. In another words, I’ve completed my BMT officially. I’m not as sad as I thought I might be to leave my newly found comfort zone but at the same time there is always the feeling how come its over so fast.
I did had my share of fun there no doubt. I got to know people leading lives totally from mine, people who can bring fun & laughter every now & then. People whom are really kind or good at leading & of course people who are so dumb & slow that scolding them with vulgarities aint enough.
It still feels so not long ago on the day that I walked with a heavy heart to SAF ferry terminal for enlistment. I can still recall the first day when I collected my equipments & shaved my head. The first few nights in bunk wondering why am I there. The tears I shed during field camp & the sweat I was bathe in during trainings. I still remember the words from my commanders clearly in their own accent.
It’s surprising that all these took place in just 3 months. It feels so fast. During this course of time I do have regrets. Regrets about being not vocal & outstanding enough, regrets of letting emotions taking over me at certain points of time & regrets of not doing enough OTOT maybe.
However, these are all done & cannot be undone. I’ve survived my leapt of faith into the jungle & hang on for 3 months. What’s next to come will the turning point of my NSF chapter. The crossroad of the jungle awaits for me. But that shall be revealed on a later date. Meanwhile, I’m back to living a civilian life for 12 days. HOLA.
I’m abit down because I had a boring weekend.
I’m abit down because I didnt have enough fun.
I’m abit down because my friends all seem so busy.
I’m abit down because I have a 24km to march.
I’m abit down because I’m leaving my new found comfort zone.
I’m abit down because only my mom will be coming for my POP.
I’m abit down at the moment but I’m not emo yet.
at least I managed to watch twilight…
Live Range - 29
IFC – 109
SOC – 5:54mins
IPPT – Silver
(43 sit-ups. Shuttle run: 9.6s . SBJ: 225cm. 10 chin-ups. 2.4km: 9.45mins.)
Yes, I got 9.45 mins for my 2.4km run. The very result I’m dying to get to prove that I can be as good as what I’m back then. I did tried to beat it during the last attempt honestly. After the run I felt that I had already overcame that & probably was within the the gold standard of 9:44 mins. Unfortunately, when the results came back, I didnt not hit the gold standard due to 1 second. Disappointment hit me hard but I’m glad at least I made my point that I can be as good as 5 years ago.
In another 3 days, I’m about to end my recruit’s status. 3 months of BMT inside the beautiful but fucking far island is coming to an end too. I’m having a bit of mixed feelings right now so I shall leave the finale post on tuesday itself.
There are times when you can do certain things. There are times when you know you can do certain things. But there are times when situations arises such that you can only do certain thing in a half-fuck manner or even not doing it at all. Sometimes, the situation just forces you to change your original course of actions.
Regrets about them ain’t going to make things better. Ignoring this fact only means encouraging them to happen. What I would always do is to try my best at that moment of time & not regret after it. I picked up a nice quote which goes like this..
“All you need to worry is about what you can control. The other concerns, the other pressures will only get in the way of what you’re capable of so don’t make excuse for yourself & just be youself.”
I’m going through more of these scenarios these days since my only free time are my book out days. No doubt they are short so time is very precious. I would often try to plan my weekends ahead & try to squeeze as much programmes into them so as to make them as fulfilling as possible. The last thing I would want is me slacking around in my room wondering what to do on a weekend. There are like still so much things I wanted to do…
I want to go Taiwan for a holiday.
I want to go Bangkok during my block leave.
I want to go Batam with my parents.
I want to go see a doctor for my face.
I want to go shop for a wallet case.
I wanna watch Twilight – New Moon,
anyone wanna watch with me ?
